Almost a month ago I spoke with a woman who, like me, has 3 children and, like me, always imagined she would have at least 3 times that many. Like her, I have struggled, sometimes bitterly, for years with the fact that try as I might, and ask as I will, a large family is not something I am given easily or swiftly. Like her, many children have been given, some remain with me on earth, but just as many have been taken away. We talked about this for several minutes, and then something she said imprinted so deeply on my soul that I can’t stop thinking about it. It was so profound and true, and my focus completely changed at that moment. She said, “God gives our children exactly the number and type of siblings they need to live the way He asks them to live.” This blew my mind. Not to minimize life, but when a person looses a child, if that person believes the promises of God, the experienced sorrow is intense, but confined to missing the person, realizing that the separation is not eternal. The innocent and saved souls of the dead are to be envied in that the next thing they experience will be complete flourishing in the presence of God. Those left on earth, their siblings, are the ones we rightly ought to concern ourselves with, as they are the ones we continue to guide into the Kingdom of Heaven. God gives our children everything they need to flourish, including the siblings that will help them along the way. I suddenly understood my role as a mother in a brand new way. Part of guiding them in the love of God is guiding them in their experience of and with each other. Teaching them to live in harmony as brothers and sisters in Christ begins with teaching them to live in harmony with their brothers and sisters in their physical family. Everything clicked.
When my children had a very sick brother, they learned compassion, patience, and love well beyond their years. When, after pouring so much love and friendship into their brother, he passed away, they learned to deeply appreciate one another, to hold desperately onto one another. They understand that death may come to any one of them at any time, and they will once again kiss cold cheeks in a coffin and watch in horror as the dirt covers the grave.
My Little Magpie has such a bold, eager, anxious personality. The Mighty Lion has given her the daily gifts of his simple, tender, quiet nature, and the Sprite gives her the daily gifts of appreciation of beauty and moderation.
My Mighty Lion is naturally timid and desires nothing more than the path of least resistance. My Little Magpie gives him the daily gifts of courage and exploration through an insatiable imagination, and the Sprite gives him the daily gifts of laughter and mischief.
My Little Sprite is a little spoiled and tends to demand that others serve her and overlook her cute naughtiness. My Little Magpie gives her the daily gift of patience and protection, and calm instruction in responsibility, and My Mighty Lion gives her the daily gift of gentle roughness, compassion, and simple, clear explanations about how to get a job done quickly.
They are each exactly what the others need. It is my job to continue to guide them in loving one another in the ways the compliment one another.
And so people still ask me, “Why did you adopt a boy with such severe problems?” And now I have a very good answer for them: “God gave him to our children so that he could experience God through them, and so that God could teach them how best to love and enrich one another in the Kingdom of Heaven. If we had said, ‘no,’ we would have denied all four of them these divine gifts at the time God saw it was best to give them.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. My children quarrel at times, indeed, almost every day. However, they are remarkably able to resolve their conflicts among themselves without interference. If they need a parent to step in, they quickly and willingly take our advice. They WANT peace and unity among themselves more than almost anything else. But more than that, they all have an intense desire to know God. They recognize, because of the difficult experiences they have had, that God lives in our family and wants them to love and follow Him. A day does not go by that one or all of them don’t ask to hear another story about God, or ask deep questions about how they should go about vanquishing Satan’s power in our family and in their lives. Just today my Mighty Lion begged me to let him listen to a Bible story, and began crying. “I want to hear more stories about God so I can know more about who He is because I want to love Him!” They understand that we have one life to live, and then comes death, and so they must make the most of the time they have. They don’t like to waste a single moment, and the two things they say they want most is to love God and to see their brother again one day.
My Little Magpie has an extra desire to continue to root herself in this family, and she can’t wait to see Mr. Bug again, but she also can’t wait to meet all her other brothers and sisters who have died before they were born. We have talked about the babies who died before they were born to us, and the possibility that her birth mother also had babies die before they were born. She has so much family to meet one day, and this thrills her.
But “God gives our children exactly the number and type of siblings they need to live the way He asks them to live.” No more, no fewer. There is so much peace in this realization. 9 children would be nice, but 3 are just right for one another at this time. Maybe tomorrow we will get a call from our adoption worker, and we’ll know then that our children need another sibling for their days ahead. But when all is said an done, right now there is no reason to be anything but content, and that contentment is fresh and beautiful.
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